This morning I was stuck for ideas. I had that restless energy, usually it means an idea is slowly coming together, so I decided to take the dogs for a walk. When I got back I re visited my blogs, and went a little deeper.
I have a real admiration for individuals who go beyond the "safe zone"-are willing to expose their vulnerability and bare their souls.
I came across a fellow blogger who completely blew me away with her story -Adriel Booker.
I was taken by her openess- a channel for other women -like me, who are survivors- who have lived through a miscarriage/s.
For two pregnancies in a row I have been hit by hard blows. The recent heart break was on my wedding anniversary 9/12/2015. I mean seriously what the fuck!
What was meant to be a standard check up turned into a paralysis -my legs gave way, my palms went ice cold and I went blank.
"I am sorry there is no heart beat."
I felt defective. I blamed myself. I couldn't exactly blame anybody else! I am not religious -so God was definitely out of the question.
The first unexplained miscarriage, happened in my second trimester, therefore- for my third pregnancy, I was monitored closely. I never imagined it would happen again.
I needed answers- something. I couldn't be left with nothing- again.
Several weeks went by, when the news came via a telephone call- that left me speechless. We were told that our baby was missing a chromosome- that our baby would be severely handicapped.
Severely handicapped - Poor quality of life.
After the heart ache of our second loss - we have precious moments, we spent together. Max Junior 30/4/2014 -Baby Jewel 9/12/2015 who I carried for 12 weeks, and October 15th Remembrance Day.
On the 30th of April it will be two years that our son Max junior passed away. The first year was crippling. Phantom kicks, silence of loved ones, despair- pain beyond anything imaginable. It was a blur- a void. It hurt to exist.
After the birth I was rushed to surgery. I had lost a lot of blood, and needed attention.
I held my son and then he was taken away- to be cleaned up. How could this have happened to us our baby boy?
My time with Max Junior was precious- he was so beautiful. Perfect.
The next chapter....
You live as best as you can- but that void, what could of been, you live with that -every single day.
In memory of my son, his name was Max. Max junior after his daddy. Please do not feel you need to say anything, because in acknowledging his existence -fills my heart with love.
Do not feel sorry for me, or our family -we are getting by, and are blessed to be parents to two angels, and a strong willed lady.
Remember - 30/4/2014- Max Junior
Remember 9/12/2015 baby Jewel.
Honour our babies