I have always had an issue with the whole "weight" thing. As a teen I was somewhat solid-fat.There. It's out now. I was fat!
I wasn't always a plus size but I had my time as a size 14. I always knew I was heavier than my friends at the time, but it wasn't the end of the world for me. I wasn't athletic- I played tennis, for a while and played netball, but I was never- sports captain!
The whole exercise thing wasn't my thing at all- infact on sports day I would wag.
If you have read previous blogs of mine I was bullied pretty badly in primary school, not for my weight, but because I was a "wog" which was "totes gross"!
Having endured 6 years of what at the time felt like hell, I was ready for a fresh start.
A New Chapter Begins
In year 7 through to 10 is where I started noticing changes. I had began filling out, and everything began to look and feel different. If you have read previous blogs you would know that some things in my home weren't talked about- so I had to figure certain things out for myself. Yep, I went through boobs filling out, boys- the usual confusion that starts at 13, and lasts for the rest of your existence.
I had braces, was breaking out in pimples, adjusting to my physical appearance , the "normal" stuff. The difference I noticed most was,most of the girls were wearing -training bra's or crop tops, and I was, (what felt at the time) maternity bra's.
The whole weight thing began to dawn on me, in year ten. I wasn't picked on, or excluded, it was my own coming to terms with my own self, body. The usual crap!
The next phase started when boys came on the scene , my boobs were a force not to be reckoned with, ( a big change to the ones I posses today)!
At 15 I was wearing anywhere from a 14 c to a d cup. Imagine that!
In our house hold we didn't have any food intolerances . Things in our home were over done.... Italian style! Panini, all you can eat. !
Nowadays, there are so many food intolerances, allergies, that we are conscious of what we put in our bodies.
Luckily, we didn't have any intolerances, and therefore it wasn't a issue.
Fuller woman were considered attractive, ultra sexy even. This idea was new to me, because , my friends were thin, naturally thin must be the way to go.
I was never prone to turn too food if I was going through the usual girl stuff you do. Infact, I was the opposite.
My weight in high school would fluctuate anywhere from 70 to 75 kilos, most of my classmates were anywhere between 50kg to 57kg!
It was fair to say that I was overweight.
The turning point
It was a concious choice I made. I had hit my heaviest weight 80 kgs, for my height- I was 20kg's over.
It was time to change, and because I am not the type to do things in halves. I went overboard.
It didn't start off this way- as the weight came off I was hooked.
I went from a size 16 to 14 then down to a 12. I couldn't believe it- I had never been a 12 in my teens. All my efforts were paying off, I had too keep at it.
Whether it was at that exact moment, that things went pear shaped, I couldn't say for sure.
I began cutting out carbs, and went to the extreme, cutting out good fats. My diet went from Mediterranean all you can eat - to tweety bird.
"I thought I saw a putty cat? I did, I did!"
If I went out, and I ate more than usual, the next day I would do three classes. Usually, the classes went for 45minutes. The scary thing was I didn't think there was anything wrong with what I was doing, it had become such a natural part of what I did.
It got to the point, if I ate something I normally wouldn't, I would obsess over it.
Throughtout my piece I have random pics, as a teen, in my late teens and my mid 20's. My lowest weight was 49kgs.
My parents were up in arms, it was a constant attack on my appearance and weight!
To be honest, I never saw what they did. I thought I looked great, I didn't see the skinny person they saw.
I will let you in on a secret. I spent most of my teens covering up the younger me who had felt rejected by peers, which clearly affected me more than I thought. It was something I had absolutely no control over, thinking back, my weight, what I ate, and how I looked, were things I could, I was in control.
At the time my fathers business was being taken over by receivers, I couldn't stand to see my family suffer, everything was slipping away, so I went into a mode, that nearly cost me my life!
It got to the point, I would weigh myself after a work out, too see if I had lost any weight.
It took me a very long time to retrain my thinking, which took a whole lot of therapy, and commitment on my part.
For years I had a routine that I followed religiously, like brushing your teeth, to retrain my thinking, took a hell of a lot of will power and inner work, in order to heal.
Nowadays, I won't say that my weight has been ideal, nor that I eat regularly everyday, I will say, I do not make choices that directly affect my health and well being in a negative way. I made a promise to my self, many years ago when I hit my lowest weight.
Sure, I wanted to curl up on the couch, and feel sorry for myself, ( not to say I didn't) but I had to get it together, (it's been well worth it,) today I can look at pictures of myself in those fuller days, and see that sexiness, and how I let that younger me down, how I held onto those hurts, that literally ate away at me.
So the whole weight thing, I been on both sides of the coin, and I happen too prefer fuller woman.
Life is too fucking short. !!