Despite my efforts- lesson learning- soul searching there are things that I just can't handle- no matter how fucking zen like I am.
Hairy legs.
Oh mawh gawd- bad hair days. No I am not talking hair on my head. I am talking about the hair on my shins! Yes. Hairy legs- mine especially are a problem. Despite- friends efforts- and my beloved to convince me otherwise- my argument still stands, if I can feel it- it's there. Period!
I did attempt waxing- it was stressful- I was forced to engage in my hairiness- the worst four weeks of my life. Yes I only lasted four weeks- not six weeks- before I got my close shave- and tweezers on the job.
I did- love the straight after feeling- super smooth- however as week two was getting on - I was beginning to resemble Richard Gere's- super sexy jaw stubble - on my legs- ewwwwwwww!
Skincare
Jeez- Mary and Joseph. I don't know about anybody else- skincare- personally- is a mystery that my small mindedness- cannot comprehend- when did things get so over the top with day and night creams that- you need a Ph.D. in cosmetics lingo?
Seriously- eye creams- toners- whitening creams for blemishes- not to mention- a whole lot of promises - brought to you by none other than- gorgeous celebrities- who endorse these magnificent- delusional creams-which reduce fine lines- blemishes- dark spots- of course these human imperfections affect- the likes of Cate Blanchett- Nicole Kidman- thanks but no thanks- these lines are my lines- my imperfections- are mine and I am keeping them- I do however get a emotional response where lipsticks- and lip balms are concerned- I am known for my cherry picking tendencies. I love the luscious reds- cappuccino and mocha latte browns- and I ain't afraid to spread the love!
Fake Tan- ewwwwwww
Holy oompaaaaa lumpaaaa- streakyourheartout- smelly - tie- dyed heels- freestyle dancing- while you wait to dry-!
There are just too many things that can- and- do go wrong. Resulting in the following :
1- That horrific smell- you know it don't pretend not too- it's the hallmark of fake tanners.
2- Curse of the orange paw- I mean seriously what the fruitbowl?
3- Stains on the sheets- even after an hour of freestyle dancing- we all do it!
4- Orange palms- like something from outer space
5- Need I go on?
Fake tan- is just ewwwwwww!
Cooking- Why oh why??
If I had a choice it would be a cheese board- filled with the killer sort that you can just eat- till you blue in the face- a nice red- and I would be set- sadly this isn't the case- which brings me to the dreaded-what the fuck am I going to make for dinner saga- help.
I was not blessed with the ability to throw a few things on a pan and presto- dinner is served. I am the one who forgets the main ingredient-and if that's not enough to send my anxiety through the roof- I have a fussy eater- by fussy I mean- fussy:
1- Pasta needs only x amount of sauce- not sure what that x is.
2- Bread needs to be crunchy and the one nonna gets.
3- Only eats chicken schnitzel if it doesn't have the green bits- by green any herb- spice!
4- Cransky- only the cheesy ones- the rest are either- spicy or plain and will end up in the bin.
5- Meatballs- won't eat beef mince- either chicken- or pork- the rest are yuck- and somehow if I attempt to use leftover mince- she knows- despite all this- I have attempted a handful of other reciepies- as my diet does not only consist of schnitzels, pasta, and cheesy cranksy's- and I come to the same conclusion- I will never embrace cooking- nor replicate the same presentation- you find in those - so called- easy cook books- which just confirms- I will never- ever- embrace- enjoy- cooking. Period!
Not on your life baby